23rd October 2015

Public toilets are a breading ground for social faux pas and embarrassing incidents. For the good of human kind, given that we specialise in the hire of luxury toilets, we have studied this perilous task and have created these 10 toilet commandments in the hope that one day everyones toilet visiting experience can be as efficient and uneventful as possible.

Men

1. Thou shalt always spread out

Upon entering a male toilet you should first acknowledge how many urinals are available. If possible you should always situate your self on an odd number in the row, doing so will give the next gentleman the option to distance themselves by at least one urinal. For example, imagine you enter a toilet which is empty and there are 5 possible urinals available. In actual fact you have only 3 options, 1,3 and 5, anything else is unthinkable.

2. Thou shalt not communicate

Men are incredibly uncomfortable creatures, and can even be prone to a phenomenon called “stage fright”. In order to keep the queue moving quickly and not making anyone feel dreadfully uncomfortable, never ever speak or look at someone whilst at the urinal.

3. Thou shalt stand appropriately

Something which can throw commandments 1 and 2 into utter chaos is the stance of a man at the urinal. Adopting a wide stance in a busy toilet can lead to shoulder or leg contact, an absolute no-go area at the urinal. A gentleman should always stand as narrow as possible. The only possible exception is if the only remaining urinal is a child’s urinal, in which case a wider stance may be required.

4. Thou shalt not whistle

Whistling is one of the favoured past times of many gentlemen, giving them the unique ability to hold a tune even if they are tone deaf. It is important however never to do it in the toilet. Whistling is the trait of a happy person and the toilet is not somewhere you are allowed to be happy, so save it.

5. Thou shalt be as quick as possible

For men a visit to a public toilet should be as swift as possible, so you can, make your visit under a minute in its entirety. Providing you are only there for a number 1, this should be ample time to do your business, wash your hands and leave with you dignity in tact. Loitering by the sink, even if you are waiting for a friend is an absolute no, you can wait for them outside where everyone doesn’t think you’re strange.

Women

1. Thou shalt always point out wardrobe malfunctions

A post toilet wardrobe is one of the greatest social faux pas known to men and women alike. For women it can range from toilet roll stuck to the bottom of a shoe heel to the skin crawlingly embarrassing skirt tucked into underwear. To avoid this, always point it out to someone before they venture outside of the toilet, at least their embarrassment can be narrowed.

2. Thou shalt always warn the other girls if there’s no toilet paper

When heading into a cubicle our heads often go into autopilot, meaning we don’t check to see if there is any toilet roll before committing to the seat. To avoid this and hope it promote good practice amongst other women, make sure to mention on your way out if there is no paper left in that cubicle to the next occupant.

3. Thou shalt not peep through the gap

There are two tell-tale signs to look out for when working out if a cubicle is occupied or not. Firstly if the door is shut this is a strong sign, but the clincher is seeing a red or “occupied” near the handle. Trusting in these two signs is essential so you don’t risk peeping through the gap in the door, thus risking the chance of immensely awkward eye contact.

4. Thou shalt never sprinkle when you tinkle

This one applies to unisex toilets and is a cardinal sin of men in the eyes of women. The toilet bowl should provide an ample target, but if that proves to difficult make sure you wipe up the mess you leave, or why not avoid it completely by treating yourself to a sit-down wizz.

5. Thou shalt always Wash your hands

There is nothing more cringe inducing than washing your hands, and then following someone out the door who hasn’t, pretty much ruling your hand wash irrelevant. Everyone can see that you haven’t washed your hands and is judging you, and whether you think you’re the cleanest person on the planet or not, think about everyone else.

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